my "romance me" era, redefining romance, and my dating philosophy in my 30s

i entered into my “romance me” era on my 30th birthday in morocco. the plot immediately got sticky.

marrakesh, morocco sept 2024

girls hear me out - what if we lean into the idea of a life full of lovers instead of being obsessed with finding “the one”. i tweeted this on threads in january and folks came for my neck.

i was having an espresso martini at a table alone in london, just a couple days into the new year, when i posted it. hours later, it had blown up with replies including everything from “yessss, sis” to “absolutely not. i require monogamy” to “having multiple sexual partners is so unsafe” to “see this is why i can’t trust women”. me? dumbfounded. when did i mention sex? polyamory? polygamy?

you see. the thing about the internet is the lack of critical thinking skills. nuance. context. just straight chatter and vibes. but you’re here, and that feels intentional, so lemme tell you a story.

in my 20s i decentered men from my life and purely focused on myself. i dedicated most of my time to self exploration - traveling solo, living in different cities, forming friendships, building confidence, refining creative skills. men casually came and they went. sometimes it was my fault. sometimes it was theirs.

right before my 30th birthday, i was ideating around my new mantra for the year. i have a personal tradition that i started 5 years ago: for each birthday, decide on a mantra to live by for the year, then put it on my birthday cake (because “happy birthday” is boring anyway).

i told my girlfriends that i was in the mood for love this year. for romance. there is this quote from maya angelou on romance that stays with me. to paraphrase, she speaks about the necessity for “agape romance”, or a romance that is greater than just one with a romantic partner, but one that extends into self, friendship, community, or collective. i wanted to weave romance all throughout my life. dating, friendships, creativity, self preservation, everything. one of my friends suggested “romance me” for the mantra and it stuck. i was entering my “romance me” era.

weeks after that chat with the girls, i brought in my 30th birthday at my dream resort in marrakesh, morocco with one of my best girlfriends. we went out one night and i flirted and danced the night away. i blinked and found myself making out in the club with some parisian guy. days later, we landed in london, and i met him.

let’s just call him the london boy. the way that we met was so special. divine timing really. i shared the story of how we met in my book “ease & other feels” in the "euphoria” chapter. enough said.

but what i haven’t shared is that there were actually two london boys. (lol) let’s call them friday and sunday. (the plot trulyyyy thickened so hard in london that i ended up back in town 3 months later for new years. but that’s a story for another time.) and while one romance would go on to last much longer than the other, i was quickly reminded of how empowering and fun it is to be young, hot, interesting, and single. ahh, the world is my playground!

again, this all happened 4 days after i intentionally welcomed romance into my life.

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i guess you could say that’s my dating philosophy - the world is my playground.

as i’ve traveled and met men from different backgrounds and different ways of thinking, my views of courtship and relationships have widened in such an affirming way. when things got tough in my 20s, i’d been so quick to tell myself i’ll be single forever. i’ll never find my person. there’s simply no way we’ll cross paths. but i’ve recently had the epiphany that my person absolutely exists, simply because i exist, and i’m special, unique, and such a fucking catch. i’m vividly aware of what i bring to the table in a romantic partnership, and i know there is someone just as thoughtful, intentional, and kind as me out in the wild.

so my philosophy is rooted in the fact that there are so many men to experience, to learn from, to bring joy to, to have my mind blown by - and that’s what helps make dating feel more joyful and less like a checklist.

i’ll open my heart and mind to experiencing courtship and just enjoy the rides. that’s what i meant by my tweet. the idea that i can go out into this world and treat it like a playground as opposed to a staircase where i have to stay on the first step until i think i’ve found my husband. nah. i’ll be playing on the swing with terrance who shows me what gentle love as a verb looks like. then hanging out on the slide, where mark opens up my mind to the business world and rubs some of his knowledge off on me. then playing hopscotch with chris who reminds me how fun life is and to not sweat the small stuff. probably not at the same time because i prefer monogamy - and i know i eventually need a partnership with so much depth that we only have space for each other. it’s about knowing what i want, being open to learning along the way, welcoming romance, and knowing when to let go. hopefully they’ll each make fantastic lovers in my life while they’re in it.

it’s june now and i’ve been blessed with such incredible dating and romantic experiences over the last 9 months. i’m dating intentionally. i like someone. it’s lovely. we’ll see. lol. as my “romance me” era comes to its finale, i’m really cravinggg the type of romance with a summer fantasy lens on it. something intense (but safe!), fun, and with depth. what that looks like? idk. i just need to close this era off with a bang.

i could muse on and on and on about romance, but we’ll leave it here for now.

take care,

kay xx